I remember it as if it just happened yesterday…
I boarded the bus and found a seat away from the other passengers. I didn’t want to be seen or spoken to. I wore a hat or maybe a hood to keep my face hidden from the pain and the tears.
It was a long, 3 day journey home. There were many times I broke down in tears. I felt broken, empty, numb, angry, and yet somewhat happy.
I had heard before that divorce is an unexplainable pain.
It isn’t. It’s very explainable if you’ve experienced it.
The Bible says, “a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife. The two shall become ONE FLESH.”
(Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:5; Mark 10:7; Ephesians 5:31)
Merriam-Webster should define it as this:
DIVORCE–the tearing away of two hearts, two lives, leaving open, gaping wounds to the very soul.
I physically felt like I was being torn apart from the inside out.
I will admit reading the Bible was something I didn’t really FEEL like doing, but I kept my Bible close by my side and read it often on the way home. I also read it a lot after arriving home.
I could have easily been mad at God and blamed Him for not changing my ex-husband and saving our marriage. But instead I knew that I needed God more than ever if I was to get through this and heal.
I started going to church but avoided any emotional and physical contact with people, even my own parents. I didn’t want anyone to hug me. I felt worthless and unloveable. And I knew that I would never find love again, or if I did it would have a less than happy ending and not last long.
A few weeks after being home and going to church, it was announced one Sunday morning that “Cleansing Classes” would be starting toward the end of summer and a sign-up sheet was put up. I wanted to go, it sounded like something I really needed. However, I was not working, had no money and there was a book for purchase for the class. As it turned out, I was supposed to go through those classes; someone got the book for me.
I was still very hurt and broken. I seemed unable to function in a normal way towards other people. I had been so hurt that I forgot how to love. I avoided it at all costs and got angry when anyone would attempt to show me love or affection. Whenever someone told me they loved me, I rolled my eyes and said, “No you don’t!”
I couldn’t even be in a room with a lot of people or where there was a lot of conversation going on; it would give me headaches.
~Fall of 2003~
My dad and I were talking while doing yard-work one afternoon and he went to hug me before going inside for dinner. Instantly I got angry and started screaming at him and I threatened to hurt him. That wasn’t like me at all.
What the hell was happening to me?
No. It was what HAD happened to me.
I was a broken, wounded soul that needed Divine intervention.
God please help me!
While going through those classes, although they didn’t fix me as I supposed they would, they opened the door to start my healing. A few long months later I was doing better. I was able to accept love and affectionate without reacting negatively or pushing away. God had done something in me, and no one can tell me any differently.
Several months later I met my now husband. We married about 2 years later.
(We just recently celebrated our 10th Anniversary)
I have to say that I am not totally healed yet. I am not the people person that I used to be, and I still keep mostly to myself; more introverted when it comes to social gatherings. I always stay near my husband and/or kids.
With that said, I know that God is faithful and He will continue the good work that He has started in me. Amen!